I’m so cold right now. I’m drowning. It doesn’t feel worth holding on – but I have to. Nothing feels good. Everything feels… Repulsive, honestly. Alcohol sounds like too much work. Weed sounds uninteresting. Food sounds nauseating. Sleep just won’t come. The thought of my lover’s arms makes me recoil. Every thought I have is recycled and refurbished into trauma. I’m just so tired.

So hurt and so tired. I just want to be done. Why can’t it be done?

Reallyyy wish I could say that I’m over my emo bs and that I’m back but chances are. 🤷

Anyways, having an impossible night. Keep getting flashbacks of when I was raped a couple of months ago. All I want is to be held but my lover called me a slut a day and a half after it happened and now it just feels… I don’t want to be touched. I don’t want to talk about it really. The 1.5 friends I have have previously encouraged me to go back to abusive relationships, so I don’t think I can trust them either.

The entire world just feels so dark and oppressive. Part of me wants to disappear and part of me wants to kick and scream until it’s different. I don’t have energy for either.

Hoping and praying my Tumblr doesn’t get deleted. I have… Literally no idea what I’m going to do if it does. I’ll try to be more active again.

I’m sorry I’ve not been as active guys. I’m honestly shutting down a bit over the idea that my blog will probably be deleted soon. There may be alternative sites to Tumblr – but none of them are the same, with such an extensive community, and I’m still going to lose everything I’ve put into this.

This is probably unrealistic, but I’m making it my goal to create my own site for this community – only for this community. Similar to Tumblr, but more inclusive and easier to use. Without having to worry about predators or being censored. I still have a lot to learn and it will probably take me a couple of years, but this is devastating and I’m so tired of it happening.

Does Tumblr even fucking care?

Without this blog I’m pretty liable to kill myself. So are SO many other people. Over half my content was flagged explicit… Around 80%. They’ll probably take me down soon. I’ll be left in ruins.

Up… Then down. My mood is so sporadic. I go back and forth probably ten times a day. The smallest things hit me like an asteroid. I feel so useless, unworthy, invisible, and unloved.

I’m starting to stabilize my eating regardless of mood, but times like this all I want is to drink. Do drugs. Escape. It’s so much harder when my lover drinks over the smallest struggle between us.

I don’t know what will last. I feel like someday soon it will all be in ruins. But I can’t let that drive me into the ground anymore. I need to be strong. I need to learn. I need to be better. I need to be more.

tothebonesmylove:

12/01/2018

Relapse.

I’m going to stop calling it relapse from now on. I don’t want to stop anymore. I’m actively cutting again.

Sitting here reflecting and I’ve literally been cutting for fourteen years. I always thought I’d be dead or get better. What pathetic life is this?

No one cares. No one who knows me can care. I told my lover I needed help and he just begged me to let him sleep. I drunk snapchatted some really personal things, including the fact I was self harming, to the couple of people I considered friends and they left me on read – then messaged me the next day about their own problems like I was invisible. I ended my longest friendship with my best friend because I felt he sees me as a monster, and when I told him that – he said that I’m right, he’s sorry he sees me that way, and goodbye. Two sentences to end an eight year friendship.

I am so pathetically invisible. I’m so pathetic period.

Meanwhile all I can think about is how many extra calories all this cutting/healing is going to burn.

12/01/2018

Relapse.

I’m going to stop calling it relapse from now on. I don’t want to stop anymore. I’m actively cutting again.

Wanna SH so bad, sO BaD, SO BAD.

Why can’t I have a single normal day? Not even a good day. Just a normal one.

I would give A N Y T H I N G to turn my mind off.