Got hurt pretty bad tonight. Three dislocated fingers, dislocated shoulder, threw my back out again, nasty bruises and scrapes all over one side. I’m hurting so much.
I hate this so much. I don’t want to do it anymore. But it’s the only life I have. I just want to be loved and the only person who’s supposed to care about me keeps hurting me.
I’ve been told that if I so much as sob loud enough to hear from the next room that the police will be called. I really really really just want to die.
I’ve lost 22lbs this month!!! It’s been so long since my weightloss was this consistent.
I can’t lie; for awhile there I started letting myself slip. I didn’t care that alcohol has a million calories, I didn’t think even the small amount of working out I do would make a difference, I didn’t think I’d ever actually make it. I’ve spent the last six month bouncing back and forth between twenty pounds – but at the end of September I realized I really just can’t live this way and kicked my ass back into gear and –
Not only did I lose the last of that 10lbs I’d been maintaining, I lost an additional 12lbs and hit a new goal weight! I’m SO CLOSE to another! I’m actually making progress and it won’t be this good every month, but when it’s not I can still look back at this and realize that it’s not in vain.
I’ve been a self harmer for fourteen years. For the last year or so I was finally getting mostly better… Only cut seven times and never /too/ badly. But then a couple of days ago I made several really bad cuts, three of which went down to muscle. I couldn’t bring myself to see a doctor and I’m suffering immensely right now. They’ll heal and I’ll get over it.
I’ve been in a horrible mental state all day. Pushing love away left and right. Feeling hurt, stir crazy, and dissatisfied by things. Anyways I essentially was so upset that I fasted all day. Diet soda only.
Going to just extend it and try to fast for 96 hours. We’ll see how that goes… I’m really close to reaching 22lbs lost for the month.
Anyone want to join? Message me. 💜 If at least three people want to I could setup a group chat on Kik!
Tbh though sipping diet soda or water while I watch my lover eat always makes me feel so vindicated… Really need to work on some of my unhealthier/meaner ED thoughts.
So I’ve been pushing myself to eat more and have been averaging 500-600 a day because of my head injury and initially I gained a pound so I avoided the scale for three days.
But then I forced myself to weigh in today and – I lost 7.8lbs!!! In three days!!! While eating around twice as much as I usually do and being lazy af!!!
This is so good, holy crap this is good. I thought for sure I’d be up by at least another five!
The O N L Y sweetener I use is splenda but for some reason my body is equating anything sweet with calorie bombs and it’s starting to give me anxiety every time I taste it.
Splenda. My fucked up head is convinced I’m gonna gain another 30lbs from S P L E N D A. I’m teary eyed over Splenda.
Horrible storm led to downed power lines so we’re staying at a hotel… So much eating out. Had a breakdown over him trying to feed me chicken tenders last night… Used to be one of my favorite foods, I could barely eat three and felt so sick. Unintentional but I ended up purging. Tmi but maybe half of it came back up? My tummy still feels so full and this was like ten hours ago.
He got me breakfast at our hotel too, even though I’ve been such a bitch. He tries to be nice to me and I’m always such a horrible person. I feel even worse for turning the food down… He was so thoughtful. Managed to sip down about 4oz of orange juice over the last half hour but it made me feel sick.
No idea how long we’ll be here for, but I know there are many meals to come and I’m already crying trying to figure out how I’m doing this. I won’t be nearly as active either as I only have Tumblr on wifi. Queue is set to go though.
I just realized I’m still the kind of person people are ashamed to be seen with and it really sucks. Like a few people are down to hit me up for drama or gossip or to unload on, a couple of those people are even willing to hang out when I make it convenient. But even though they regularly talk and post about their other friends by name, even if they bother mentioning whatever we did my name is conveniently left out for no reason. And a million other little things.
Like I actually thought I’d grown enough that at least a couple of people would be willing to stand by me. Realizing that I’m still someone that literally everyone is ashamed to be associated with fucking burns.
To the bones, my love. 